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Seminary Jones and the VERY Last Crusade. Honest. Really. This time I mean it.













A Skit by



Jordan Franklin

Sarah Ehrisman

CAST OF CHARACTERS





BROTHER NORTON

as SEMINARY JONES



SARAH EHRISMAN, JAIME FRANKLIN, JORDAN FRANKLIN, JACKIE NORTON, STEPHEN NORTON

as THEMSELVES; KAZOO CHORUS



MICHAEL BARBOSA

as BAD PERSON ONE



CHRISTOPHER HARMON

as DOCTOR EVIL



SISTER NORTON

as HERSELF



AND!



REPRISING HIS ROLE FROM THE POPULAR MOVIE, INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF RECOMMENDS--I MEAN DOOM



BILLY PARKER



as



SHORT ROUND!!!!!!!





(SEMINARY enters wearing a suit coat and tie, etc. KAZOO CHORUS enters behind him.)

SARAH

Brother Jones?

SEMINARY

Yes, Sarah?

SARAH

We're a little worried (to Jordan) Should we tell him?

(JORDAN nods and urges her forward.)

SARAH

Um, we found this.

(JORDAN hands her a large piece of paper, which SARAH hands to SEMINARY.)

SEMINARY (reading)

We have Sister Notron--

JORDAN

That's Norton.

SEMINARY

No, it says Notron. (Reading again) And there's nothing you can do about it.

(CHRIS, SARAH, JORDAN, SARAH all gasp.)

CHRIS

No way!

SEMINARY (pointing to a place on the page)

Way!

JAIME

No way!

SEMINARY (pointing to a place on the page)

Way!

JACKIE

No way!

SEMINARY (pointing to another place on the page)

Stop that. (Reading again) No one can save her, not even you, Seniramy Jones--boy, can these people not spell!

(SHORT ROUND enters.)

SHORT ROUND

Brother Jones! Brother Jones!

JORDAN, JAIME, CHRIS, SARAH (in unison)

Oh no! (Run off stage)

SEMINARY

That's right.

(SEMINARY takes off the suit coat and tie; puts on the hat, jacket, and whip. Enter KAZOO CHORUS kazooing Indiana Jones theme.)

SEMINARY

Here I come to save the day! I mean . . . come, Shorty, we have to save Sister Notron--Norton.

(SEMINARY, SHORT ROUND march off stage followed by the KAZOO CHORUS.)

SIX DAYS LATER

(SEMINARY, SHORT ROUND enter, still marching jauntily, with their ears covered, followed by the KAZOO CHORUS, still playing but now exhausted.)

SEMINARY (to KAZOO CHORUS)

Guys, it's been six days now. Do you think you could knock it off?

(KAZOO CHORUS stops, gasping for breath.)

SEMINARY

Thanks. (Continues marching.)

(SHORT ROUND stops the procession and grabs SEMINARY by the shoulder.)

SHORT ROUND

Brother Jones! Brother Jones! Look!

SEMINARY

(Gasp) Isn't that Salt Lake City?!

KAZOO CHORUS

Man, that was as long as I thought!

(SHORT ROUND grabs SEMINARY by the shoulder again.)

SHORT ROUND

Brother Jones! Brother Jones! Look--again!

SEMINARY

(Gasp) A tent!

(BAD PERSON ONE jumps on stage.)

BP1

That's where you're wrong, Seminary Jones!

SEMINARY

You spelled my name wrong on your note.

BP1 (to someone off stage)

I told you to use a dictionary!

SEMINARY

We're here for Sister Notron--I mean Norton.

BP1

You and what army?

SEMINARY

(Gestures to KAZOO CHORUS) This army!

(KAZOO CHORUS throws down kazoos.)

KAZOO CHORUS

No way! You said that this song wouldn't be answered with a blessing on our heads! We're with them!

SHORT ROUND (pointing off stage)

Brother Jones! Brother Jones! Look! Biscuits!

KAZOO CHORUS

Biscuits?!

(KAZOO CHORUS runs off stage in the direction SHORT ROUND pointed.)

BP1

Those are our biscuits!

(BAD PERSON ONE runs off after the KAZOO CHORUS.)

SISTER NORTON (off stage)

Biscuits? Yuck! I kind of like it here, but if you have biscuits. . . .

SEMINARY

Sister Notron?! (To Shorty) Shorty, I think I know where they've taken her!

SHORT ROUND

Where, Brother Jones?

SEMINARY

The Great and Spacious Building of Doom!

SHORT ROUND

Oh, no! Not there!

SEMINARY

Shorty, go get Luke. We need all the help we can get!

SHORT ROUND

All right! Be careful, Brother Jones!

(SHORT ROUND begins to run off stage)

SHORT ROUND

Brother Jones, Brother Jones, I hear music!

SEMINARY

That's not music--why, it's the Kazoo Chorus! I thought they'd deserted me! And I hear something else! IT'S SISTER NORTON! Quickly, get Brother Clark!

SHORT ROUND

But Brother Jones, what if you have to go into the Great and Spacious Building of Doom? There might be sins in there!

SEMINARY

Sins? I hate sins! Why did it have to be sins?

SISTER NORTON (off-stage)

Help me!

SHORT ROUND

We have to help her, Brother Jones!

(SHORT ROUND and SEMINARY run off stage after SISTER NORTON's voice.)

NEXT SCENE

(A large room in the GaSBoD. The DOCTOR EVIL is seated at one end, and the KAZOO CHORUS and SISTER NORTON, as well as the Ark of the Seminary Covenant are off to one side. SHORT ROUND and SEMINARY rush in.)

DOCTOR EVIL

Brother Jones! I expected you twenty minutes ago.

SEMINARY (Who is discreetly reaching for the whip at his side)

Uh . . . sorry.

SISTER NORTON

Use the scriptures, Seminary!

(SEMINARY notices a set of scriptures on the floor and picks them up slowly, unsure of how best to use them. Suddenly, inspiration strikes and he flips open the scriptures.)

SEMINARY

From Exodus, chapter five, verse one: LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!

DOCTOR EVIL

What?

SEMINARY

Uh, LET MY PEOPLE GO . . . please?

DOCTOR EVIL

Oh, okay.

(DOCTOR EVIL walks off stage.)

SISTER NORTON

I guess all you had to do was ask nicely. But now, we're safe and we have the Ark of the Seminary Covenant again!

SEMINARY

What's in the Ark of the Seminary Covenant?

SISTER NORTON

Well, the Ten Seminary Commandments, the Hold to the Rod videos and the Bojangles Biscuits! Brother Jones, thank you so much for all your help. But can I ask you a question?

SEMINARY

Certainly--I live to serve--when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the service of the Lord your God, as King Benjamin said.

SISTER NORTON

How did you get the name Seminary, anyway?

SHORT ROUND

He was named after an early morning scripture study class.

KAZOO CHORUS

You were named after an early morning scripture study class?

(Everyone except SEMINARY laughs.)

SEMINARY

I have very fond memories of that early morning scripture study class!