Seminary Jones and the VERY Last Crusade. Honest.
Really. This time I mean it.
A Skit by
CAST OF CHARACTERS
as SEMINARY JONES
SARAH EHRISMAN, JAIME FRANKLIN, JORDAN FRANKLIN, JACKIE NORTON, STEPHEN NORTON
as THEMSELVES; KAZOO CHORUS
as BAD PERSON ONE
as DOCTOR EVIL
REPRISING HIS ROLE FROM THE POPULAR MOVIE, INDIANA JONES AND THE
TEMPLE OF RECOMMENDS--I MEAN DOOM
(SEMINARY enters wearing a suit coat and tie, etc. KAZOO CHORUS enters behind him.)
We're a little worried (to Jordan) Should we tell him?
(JORDAN nods and urges her forward.)
Um, we found this.
(JORDAN hands her a large piece of paper, which SARAH hands
We have Sister Notron--
No, it says Notron. (Reading again) And there's nothing you can do about it.
(CHRIS, SARAH, JORDAN, SARAH all gasp.)
SEMINARY (pointing to a place on the page)
SEMINARY (pointing to a place on the page)
SEMINARY (pointing to another place on the page)
Stop that. (Reading again) No one can save her, not even you, Seniramy Jones--boy, can these
people not spell!
(SHORT ROUND enters.)
Brother Jones! Brother Jones!
JORDAN, JAIME, CHRIS, SARAH (in unison)
Oh no! (Run off stage)
(SEMINARY takes off the suit coat and tie; puts on the hat, jacket,
and whip. Enter KAZOO CHORUS kazooing Indiana Jones
Here I come to save the day! I mean . . . come, Shorty, we have to save Sister Notron--Norton.
(SEMINARY, SHORT ROUND march off stage followed by the
SIX DAYS LATER
(SEMINARY, SHORT ROUND enter, still marching jauntily, with
their ears covered, followed by the KAZOO CHORUS, still playing
but now exhausted.)
SEMINARY (to KAZOO CHORUS)
Guys, it's been six days now. Do you think you could knock it off?
(KAZOO CHORUS stops, gasping for breath.)
Thanks. (Continues marching.)
(SHORT ROUND stops the procession and grabs SEMINARY by
Brother Jones! Brother Jones! Look!
(Gasp) Isn't that Salt Lake City?!
Man, that was as long as I thought!
(SHORT ROUND grabs SEMINARY by the shoulder again.)
Brother Jones! Brother Jones! Look--again!
(Gasp) A tent!
(BAD PERSON ONE jumps on stage.)
That's where you're wrong, Seminary Jones!
You spelled my name wrong on your note.
BP1 (to someone off stage)
I told you to use a dictionary!
We're here for Sister Notron--I mean Norton.
You and what army?
(Gestures to KAZOO CHORUS) This army!
(KAZOO CHORUS throws down kazoos.)
No way! You said that this song wouldn't be answered with a blessing on our heads! We're with
SHORT ROUND (pointing off stage)
Brother Jones! Brother Jones! Look! Biscuits!
(KAZOO CHORUS runs off stage in the direction SHORT
Those are our biscuits!
(BAD PERSON ONE runs off after the KAZOO CHORUS.)
SISTER NORTON (off stage)
Biscuits? Yuck! I kind of like it here, but if you have biscuits. . . .
Sister Notron?! (To Shorty) Shorty, I think I know where they've taken her!
Where, Brother Jones?
The Great and Spacious Building of Doom!
Oh, no! Not there!
Shorty, go get Luke. We need all the help we can get!
All right! Be careful, Brother Jones!
(SHORT ROUND begins to run off stage)
Brother Jones, Brother Jones, I hear music!
That's not music--why, it's the Kazoo Chorus! I thought they'd deserted me! And I hear
something else! IT'S SISTER NORTON! Quickly, get Brother Clark!
But Brother Jones, what if you have to go into the Great and Spacious Building of Doom? There
might be sins in there!
Sins? I hate sins! Why did it have to be sins?
SISTER NORTON (off-stage)
We have to help her, Brother Jones!
(SHORT ROUND and SEMINARY run off stage after SISTER
(A large room in the GaSBoD. The DOCTOR EVIL is
seated at one end, and the KAZOO CHORUS and SISTER
NORTON, as well as the Ark of the Seminary Covenant are off to
one side. SHORT ROUND and SEMINARY rush in.)
Brother Jones! I expected you twenty minutes ago.
SEMINARY (Who is discreetly reaching for the whip at his side)
Uh . . . sorry.
Use the scriptures, Seminary!
(SEMINARY notices a set of scriptures on the floor and picks
them up slowly, unsure of how best to use them. Suddenly,
inspiration strikes and he flips open the scriptures.)
From Exodus, chapter five, verse one: LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!
Uh, LET MY PEOPLE GO . . . please?
(DOCTOR EVIL walks off stage.)
I guess all you had to do was ask nicely. But now, we're safe and we have the Ark of the
Seminary Covenant again!
What's in the Ark of the Seminary Covenant?
Well, the Ten Seminary Commandments, the Hold to the Rod videos and the Bojangles Biscuits! Brother Jones, thank you so much for all your help. But can I ask you a question?
Certainly--I live to serve--when ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are only in the
service of the Lord your God, as King Benjamin said.
How did you get the name Seminary, anyway?
He was named after an early morning scripture study class.
You were named after an early morning scripture study class?
(Everyone except SEMINARY laughs.)
I have very fond memories of that early morning scripture study class!