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WHAT IF JERRY SPRINGER LIVED IN THE 60's?

JERRY:

Good morning, audience. Today, the topic of the show is "Confrontations." By a quirky coincidence, everyone in this first segment lives in the same house! Now, let's welcome our first guest, Micky Dolenz.

(audience applauds as Micky walks out)

Now, Micky, this show is about confrontations. Who do you want to confront today?

MICKY:

My wife, M.G.
JERRY:
And what do you want to confront her about?
MICKY:
I think she is having an affair with one of the guys we live with, Mike.

(audience gasps)

JERRY:

And what evidence do you have?

MICKY:

They are always talking. And they are alone sometimes.

JERRY:

Is that all you brought her here for?

MICKY:

No. I want a paternity test for our son, Micky Jr. I want to know if Mike could be his father.

JERRY:

Okay. Now, M.G. has not heard anything so far and has no idea why she is here. So, let's welcome M.G. to the show.

(audience applauds as M.G. walks out)

Welcome, M.G. Now, Micky, why don't you tell M.G. why you brought her here.

MICKY:

Well, M.G. I just wanted to know if, oh, this is hard. I want to know if you and Mike had an affair.

M. G.:

Oh, Micky, I swear. I never had an affair with Mike.

JERRY:

Now, Micky, isn't there something else?

MICKY:

Yeah. M.G., I want a paternity test to see if Micky Jr. is his.

M. G.:

All right. But please believe me, Micky is NOT Mike's.

JERRY:

Okay. So, we're going to get samples of Micky, Mike, and little Micky Jr.'s blood. When we get back from commercial, it'll be tomorrow for us. So stay tuned. We'll have the results after this commercial break.

COMMERCIAL

JERRY:

Welcome back. You remember Micky and M.G. Here are the results of their paternity test. You may remember, Micky wants to know if their son is his or one of his best friends, Mike's. Now, before we open the results, let's welcome Mike.

(audience applauds as Mike walks on stage)

Welcome, Mike. Now, you know what this is all about. Tell me, did you ever have an affair with M.G.?

MIKE:

Absolutely not. She's like family.

JERRY:

All right. Are you ready? Here we go.

(opens envelope and reads results silently)

Oh. Oh-oh. I don't know quite how to say this but, uhm, M.G., has there been anyone else? Anyone at all?

M. G.:

What are you talking about?

JERRY:

You don't know how sorry I am to say this, but neither Micky nor Mike is the father of your child.

(audience gasps)

M. G.:

I don't understand. He HAS to be Micky's. It can't be anyone else. (Pauses) Oh, no.

JERRY:

What is it?

M. G.:

It couldn't be. But it's the only explanation. A while back, I was taking a walk with someone on the beach and we were talking and. . .

JERRY:

Who was it? Who is the father of your child?

M. G.:

Peter.

JERRY:

Peter Tork? One of the three men you and Micky live with?

M. G.:

Yes.

(Audience gasps)

JERRY:

Peter is here in the audience. Peter, will you come up?

(audience applauds as Peter walks on stage)

Now, Peter. How long have you been involved with M.G.?

PETER:

We're not involved. She really loves Micky. It was just that once. She had had a really bad day and Micky wasn't around. She was just crying on my shoulder and. . .

JERRY:

We get the idea. Just to be sure, though, we'll send you for a paternity test. After the commercial, yet another day will have past and we will have those results.

COMMERCIAL

JERRY:
Welcome back. Now, welcome Peter and M.G. back to the show. I have their paternity test right here. You may also remember M.G.'s husband, Micky, who is here i the audience. Now, here are the results. (opens envelope) Well, I am quite shocked. Micky, I'm glad you're here. It seems that yesterday, the testing service mixed up samples of little Micky Jr.'s blood with that of another baby's. We have the father's name. Micky, congradulations! You have a son.

(Audience gasps)

Now, I know the three of you have had quite a shock. There is someone waiting to help you deal with this backstage, so if you'll please follow my assistant here.

(Micky, M.G. and Peter go offstage)

Now, for my next guest. . .

Stay tuned as Gwen tells her boyfriend Davy a shocking secret!

JERRY:

Now, please welcome our next guest, Gwen, to the show.

(Audience applauds as Gwen walks out)

Gwen, who did you bring to the show today?

GWEN:

My boyfriend, Davy.

JERRY:

Now, let me tell the audience that Davy is the roommate of the others on the first half of the show: Micky, Peter, Mike, and M.G. So, Gwen, what is it you want to tell Davy?

GWEN:

Well, (takes off wig) my real name is George. I'm a man.

(Audience gasps)

JERRY:

Are you ready? Let's bring Davy out. (Gwen puts back on wig)

(Audience applauds as Davy comes out)

Davy, your girlfriend Gwen brought you here today. You have no idea why. Are you ready to find out?

DAVY:

Sure. I just hope I have an easier time of it than the guys and M.G.

JERRY:

Gwen, why did you bring Davy here?

GWEN:

Well, Davy, we've been getting really close lately. I love you, you know, so I just can't hide this from you any more. (takes of wig) I'm a man.

DAVY:

Two million chicks madly in love with me, and I'm dating a guy.

JERRY:

How do you feel about that?

DAVY:

Mike, HELP! (Suddenly, Mike runs on stage with his Monkeeman costume on, grabs Davy without stopping, and runs off the opposite end of the stage)

JERRY:

Uhm, well, I guess that's it for this show. Tune in tomorrow when we have a transvestite who's pregnant with his brother's baby.

(Audience applauds as credits roll)

by M. G.

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FanFic | FanFiction by Autumn Trenton